Setting Boundaries - The Art of Self-Care by Dr. Elena Einstein
During the last several months and weeks, I have been told by friends and colleagues that they are working on learning to set boundaries. That’s because “in work or in our personal relationships, poor boundaries lead to resentment, anger, and burnout” (Nelson, 2016). They all seem to have similar struggles regardless of their career, marital status, family life, or living arrangements. Setting boundaries is an essential skill that is not always learned. It can be a challenge for many of us. During the pandemic, we have seen the separation between home and work life responsibilities spill over and these lines have become even more blurred than ever before.
Struggles include:
· Working late hours
· Lack of time for any hobbies or self-care related activities
· Feeling overwhelmed and burnt out
· Feeling stressed
· Feeling exhausted
· Feeling resentful
So, what can we do? Here are some strategies and tips that begin with YOU. I heard recently from a friend, “Advocate for yourself before you can advocate for others”. Women often struggle with caring for so many others, whether it is children, spouse, parents, work responsibilities, etc.
Strategies and Tips:
1. Give yourself permission to prioritize you.
Establishing healthy boundaries does not make you a selfish or bad person. In fact, is shows self-respect. We must learn that it is okay to have self-respect. Furthermore, being selfless does not allow for the time or energy to be there for others.
Ask yourself what you need? By taking the time to listen to what you need or are feeling, you will be able to make better choices for how to care for yourself.
Don’t feel bad about saying “no”. The issue with saying “yes” to every request is that you are left feeling drained and exhausted with no time for yourself. Practice saying “no”. It is an empowering action.
2. Speaking up.
Setting healthy boundaries is difficult at first because it requires speaking up and being direct. Feelings of fear and guilt may creep into our minds and block us from setting boundaries. We often fear how the other person will react. One strategy that I use often when working in teams and I am being requested/given a new task or assignment, is to ask, “when do you need this by”. This simple question allows for negotiation and a conversation about priorities. I often follow this up with alternatives such as, “looking at my schedule and the steps required to complete this task I can offer/commit to providing this to you by INSERT date”. This informs the requestor of the current tasks on your plate and the complexity or time needed to accomplish the activity.
3. Blocking out time on your calendar.
I have often heard, “I don’t have time”. The truth is that time can be managed. It takes discipline and practice. However, start small by blocking out time on your calendar.
Often, I have been in situations where I found my calendar completely full, with little to no time in between meetings. There were days I could not have lunch until 3:00pm. A helpful strategy that I have learned is to block out time on the calendar. I have blocked the whole year during 11am-12:00pm for lunch, running errands, exercise, make personal calls, read, water my plants, meditate, etc. Although it is not always possible to maintain, it does prevent most people from booking meetings on my calendar during that time. It also provides a sense of control.
4. Do things that give your energy and joy.
Recently I was asked by a mentee, “where do you find the time to help me?”. What I have learned over time is that there are activities that give me energy versus drain me. For example, I was asked to support a board position for a nonprofit. I had done that type of role for many years and I immediately felt like I did not want to do. I felt a feeling of dread and guilt for saying “no”. That is how I knew it was not the best use of my time. Whereas, taking an hour with a mentee to review her resume and coach her through the process of entering the job market, gave me joy. I looked forward to our meetings and easily find the time to research various positions for her to consider, suggest organizations that would be a good fit for networking, and attended a virtual webinar with her on women in leadership. Somehow these activities did not drain me of my energy. In fact, the opposite occurred. Therefore, my suggestion is to find activities that give you more energy and put you in a state of bliss. You will make time for the things that are important.
5. Practice self-care.
In an article in Healthline, the Harris Poll reported that self-care isn’t a priority for people because 44 percent believe self-care is only possible for people with enough time, and 35 percent believe self-care is only possible for those with enough money.
In today’s environment of remote working and the expectations that come having 24/7 access, it is more important than ever to practice self-care. It is great for your well-being, lowers stress, and overall makes you more productive and ready to handle the day to day challenges that come our way. Here are some ideas to help you get started on your self-care journey.
1. Get regular exercise.
2. Keep a balanced diet.
3. Get proper rest.
4. Take time to relax/meditate.
5. Attend to your spiritual needs.
6. Be kind to yourself and invest in yourself.
7. Don’t be afraid to ask for help and accept it.
8. Take time to do activities that make you happy and whole.
9. Surround yourself with people that support you.
10. Laugh.
In summary, as we learn to set boundaries for ourselves, it is also important to honor the boundaries people have set for themselves. This action allows us the opportunity to learn and model healthy methods and strategies for setting boundaries. Thus, creating the time and space essential for self-care.
Quotes:
“Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love.” Brené Brown
“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”
Buddha
“The challenge is not to be perfect — it is to be whole.” Jane Fonda
“If you feel “burnout” setting in, if you feel demoralized and exhausted, it is best, for the sake of everyone, to withdraw and restore yourself.” Dalai Lama
Nelson, D. (2016, December 8). Self-Care 101: Setting healthy boundaries. Retrieved from http://www.dananelsoncounseling.com/blog/self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/