When Covid Interrupts by Dr. Stacy Rothberg Montgomery
Being a high extrovert and working remotely was a stretching experience for me. However, I never imagined traversing the road of the past 6 months. While navigating work, marriage, and caregiving during a pandemic, our plan was to keep Beverly (my husband’s mom) safe. We established a schedule, which included caregivers for 8 hours a day, then my husband and I shared the responsibilities of meals, shopping, doctor’s appointments, etc. It was a daily adventure with Beverly as her Alzheimer’s progressed.
One morning while her caregiver was doing laundry, Beverly fell out of bed. Her painful, bruised frail body required more attention and visits/consultations with her hospice team. It also necessitated that we implement a 24/7 care schedule for Beverly. The unexpected fall also prompted a transition to a Board & Care in a week’s time. We were grateful that her hospice care continued at her new residence. We were encouraged that the Board & Care was proactive with safety measures for staff and visitors (masks, meeting outside, physically distancing, etc.) and that there were only four residents in their care.
Six weeks into her stay at the Board & Care, we received a call that Beverly was sick with flu-like symptoms. Being mindful of the residents’ safety, we were told that visits could only take place outside of her window but they were hopeful it was just the flu. Since her condition did not improve over the next 4-5 days, Beverly was tested for COVID-19. While we were praying that she did not have COVID, the next call indicated that Beverly was positive! Since we were not prepared for how COVID interrupts and dictates an entirely new care plan, it opened our eyes to the challenges of this pandemic and what other families have faced. My husband and I were still working, instructed that we could not see Beverly and burdened by the weight of how to get her the best care while being COVID positive.
There were two weeks where Beverly had a valiant fight against the coronavirus. Unfortunately, on Christmas Eve of 2020, we received a heartfelt call notifying us that Beverly passed away. While we had prepared for logistical details of her death, we were not ready to say goodbye. Beverly’s death from COVID interrupted our plans and the future we hoped to provide for her. Of course, it also impacted our holidays, shouldered us with new tasks related to her passing, and then we still needed to take care of work/family responsibilities.
On February 20, 2021, Beverly was peacefully laid to rest. We were finally able to have closure with an outdoor graveside service of 20 people (all wearing masks and being mindful of social distancing). Our hearts now empathize with anyone that has lost a loved one during this pandemic. While navigating our grief journey, the interruption also included new expenses, family dynamics, and stress related to all the details that emerge with a loved one’s passing. Reflecting on this recent journey that we never expected, what lessons did we learn? These strategies were helpful to me:
Faith, family and supportive communities make a difference. Prayer truly helps and it was especially appreciated to have people praying on our behalf. It is also valuable when you find someone who listens well and understands your grief. No explanation is needed and their empathy provides meaningful comfort.
Try not to focus on the why… if possible, focus on the silver linings and blessings that you are experiencing. Finding gratitude during the sadness and pain eases the weight of the sorrowful burdens.
Be gentle and reasonable with yourself. Since it is not a normal season, be reasonable with your expectations and the emotions you are experiencing. Give yourself grace in the midst of your unexpected journey.
Ask for help. Don’t hesitate to reach out and ask for help. For those who care about you, it also makes them feel better when you accept their practical offers to make things easier for you.
Seek professional support to navigate challenging circumstances. Finding support from a counselor, chaplain, etc. provides the needed care and guidance. Support groups can be helpful as well.